I'm BAAaaaack . . .

The Killer Robot has returned from his many month hiatus to regale you with tales of office shenanigans, marriage shenanigans, and just regular shenanigans!

It Happened Already . . .

Wow, that was quick. Here I was thinking that I'd post again after lunch, when, BAM! up walks a certain manager of mine.

Think of him like "blog manna."

He proceeds to have an entire conversation with me that was just had on Friday. The EXACT SAME CONVERSATION! I even remarked, that, "didn't we just talk about this Friday?" to which he replied yes, we had. But I had to recant everything exactly as I did Friday.

Keep in mind, the Killer Robot is a professional technician, meaning that after hours work is elective, occassional, and rare. Yet, he must have believed that suddenly, the Killer Robot had decided to come in and perform menial tasks over the weekend. And then, after ascertaining that this wasn't the case, he proceeded to wade through the same questions as Friday.

Side Note: These were not questions that could be asked every day, they were things like "What has to be done on this?", "How does this work?", and "When do you think it will be complete (answered the same both days - May 25th)?" - and they were asked, chronologically, 4 hours apart from a work day perspective!

I'm almost to the point where I could perform my job in about 3 hours a week, this is how much time I spend holding this character's hand.

Where Have I Been . . .

The Killer Robot takes his anonimity (as well as the anonimity of his posters) very seriously. From time to time, he may take a day (or in this case, a week) off. This is to keep the snipers from obtaining a lock.

You see, the Killer Robot is a simple technician, and on his vacation, he visits remote locales where Internet Service is unavailable. As such, this could provide prying investigators a clue to determine the Killer Robot's true identity, if his posting absence coincides with a certain engineers vacation.

Anyway, we're back now - with more office shenanigans to come.

No headphones

The Killer Robot made an egregious error this morning, and forgot his Ipod. What does this mean for you, the loyal reader?

It means you get an update on the aural occurrences in my vicinity.

9 God Bless You's have been issued (seriously - I've been counting)
2 remarks made famous by an APRIAL80'sMC-STA(ATTKR'sW)CO'D (that's an abbreviation for this) - one in response to receiving an e-mail, the other after returning from a bathroom break
1 Eavesdropping on the Killer Robot's conversation with a certain manager of mine. Upon the completion of this conversation, the certain engineer ran (RAN!) around to my cube to offer his advice, as well as the 700-page manual he had printed out. Allow me for a moment, to just mourn the passing of all the trees this certain engineer kills. This cat prints everything (YES EVERYTHING!) he receives electronically. No soft-copies for him. This may be an age thing, as a certain manager of mine often walks up and hands me copies of e-mails. Never forwards the e-mail, just prints it and walks it over. If we keep regressing, I'm gonna come in one day to no computer, just some stamps and a notepad sitting on my desk.
7 Occurences of the incessant giggling - something like "heeheehohowhowhohaha" - this behavior sometimes replaces the RMFBAAPRIAL80'sMC-STA(ATTKR'sW)CO'D. - At least one of these was due to an e-mail tasking him to work on something.
2 interceptions of attractive co-workers at the Killer Robot's cube. The Killer Robot is friendly with all of his co-workers, not just the attractive ones. It just so happens that, on this morning, two attractive (at least for our traditional male and non-traditional female readers) ladies came to discuss things with Killer Robot. Both were accosted, and inquisitioned, and (their words not mine) felt very grimy after dealing with this engineer, who (their words not mine) leered at them during their visit. The Killer Robot, not wanting to curtail attractive visitors, was forced to return the visits to their workspaces, where he was accosted by no one.

Anyway, that's enough for now. More this afternoon or Monday AM. Have a good weekend.

A Great Question!

. . . the Killer Robot was posed a fantastic question this morning by a certain manager of his:

"Killer Robot, do you know what "fred5*" and "fred6*" are for?" (*machine names changed to protect the innocent).

The Killer Robot, always aspiring to be helpful, and seeing this as an opportunity to poke fun, replied that he would research the machines in question.

Killer Robot, being quite the detective, began by pinging the two computers to obtain their IP addresses. There was no resolution.

Killer Robot then proceeded to DNS, where no entry concerning those particular names was to be found.

Killer Robot then checked a virtual server management application, thinking perhaps the servers were built, but standing outside our network (or not fully configured).

He then replied to the manager that these machines do not, in fact exist.

The manager replied that yes, he knew that - could the Killer Robot check on "fred8" and "fred9" . . .

At this rate, should the Killer Robot go ahead and send the list of all the servers to this manager? Or should I continue to spoon feed him the information?

Choices, choices :-)

You think they make vision-canceling glasses?

I mentioned yesterday that my new noise canceling headphones have opened a whole new world for me. Instead of Al Pacino, I got Al Green. Instead of incessant chuckling, I've got incessant Cheap Trick. Instead of major farting, I've got Fort Minor.

There is a flaw in my plan, however. Instead of bothering me aurally, I'm now being overrun with more ridiculous e-mail. Now, the Killer Robot appreciates the fact that this brings more material to the blog. However, he'd still rather not deal with stupid people.

Without further adieu, here's the last e-mail completely unedited (except to change specifics (dates, names, particular details) as to protect the Killer Robot's employ - however, all misspellings and mis-numberings (that's a new one!) are unchanged).

-----Original Message-----
From: A Certain Manager
Sent: Thursday, May 34, 2007 7:19 PM
To: Killer Robot
Subject:

1) was asking for

3) these are our support apps

4) supprot app configurations


In related news, the Killer Robot is considering hiring a translator to help him decipher the meaning in some of these communications.

the Over-Apology . . .

His other thing is the over-apology. You know, he forgets one time to add someone to a group on a computer, and he proceeds to walk around and apologize to everyone in the building, even those who have no idea who he is or what he is talking about.

I haven't completely diagnosed this behavior yet - however, here's what I have determined:

- He apologizes to make himself look better, not out of sincerity. It's like my Mom making the "made from scratch" chocolate chip layered cake and then apologizing for using 1% milk instead of whole milk. She knows no-one cares. We're singing her praises no matter what. That's him - he apologizes for stuff he knows A) doesn't need to be apologized for, B) nobody cares about, C) that he's already fixed
- His constant apologies open the door for him, as a stand-up guy, to point out other peoples shortcomings. He can point out another engineer's mistake because, hey, he's always pointing his out. But you can rest assured that his were never as bad as this particular mistake, committed by someone who's "usually so reliable." This apology is done to cast doubt on another's abilities, while cementing his position as a stand-up guy
- He apologizes for other people's mistakes occassionally - this is also done to cement his position as a stand-up guy. It's like me apologizing to my wife for something her best friend said - she's still mad at the friend, and I don't really care, I'm just using this as an opportunity to elevate my position in her eyes, 'cause she knows I couldn't possibly have had anything to do with it. Better example - it's like me apologizing to my manager for our accounting department's mistake. He knows it's not my apology to give, but it assauges his ego to think that I "respect" him so much to apologize to him.

I hate playing games.

Does it bother anyone else . . .

. . . Does anybody else have that person that just drives you so bananas, you just literally want to curl up in the fetal position?

A certain engineer who sits in my vicinity is that person. He laughs all day long. Every successful technological transaction (an e-mail sent, an e-mail received, a IP address changed, a domain joined) results in a hearty chuckle. Although this is enjoyed more than the certain expression made famous by an Al Pacino role in a late 80's movie, co-starring the adorable (according to the Killer Robot's wife) Chris O'Donnell.

It's unbelievable that this stuff could make me so crazy - but between the chuckles, and the certain expression, and the talking to himself, and the flagellation (yes - there is flagellation - every afternoon).

And I bought the noise canceling headphones. And so, what does he (or she) do? He knocks on my cube wall to get my attention (which I don't hear - thank you Sony! - but I do notice, although I ignore), before tapping my THIGH (!) - I turn, and pull the headphones out, stopping what I was working on - he just wanted to say "GOOD MORNING SIR! - Didn't mean to disturb you, SIR! (it's like being in an episode of "Hogan's Heroes" with this cat) - to which I think - "In fact you did mean to disturb me, as you knocked vociferously on my wall and then touched my THIGH (!) just to get my attention - I believe that's the very definition of "meaning to disturb.""

More to come on this character . . .

GAHD BLESS YOU!

If you've never taken the time to explore Wikipedia, then you're missing out on a fantastic experience. My latest Wiki-inquiry came today, when I coughed twice, you know, that deep, throaty cough like when you're shaking off a cold - and, from somewhere in my vicinity, came loudly and proudly, GAHD BLESS YOU.

It wasn't a subtle, quiet, respectful "god bless you" - no, it was a northern pronouncement of His blessings, as though God Himself were blessing you through this engineers very words, making him into almost a sneeze evangelist of sorts.

But it wasn't the gby that got me - it was that it followed a cough. Not wanting to be disrespectful to the process of doling of blessings, I wiki-ed that I have not, in fact lost my mind, and that it is still only after a sneeze that the bless you is appropriate.

Side note - Due to all of the gby's flying today (it sounds like the "Hour of Power" on Channel 2, where you donate $500 to see your name read on tv with a pronouncement of gby), I was forced to run out and purchase some noise cancelling headphones. This blog is being brought to you from the comfort of my cube, completely distraction free!

Monday, Monday

Ah, the dulcid sounds of the Mama's and Papa's. I like to listen to this song on Mondays, because, well - You know, I don't need a reason for everything.

Kinda quiet this morning. A certain engineer, who may sit in my vicinity, hasn't spoken to me, despite my cheerful "good-morning _____." Of course, that could be because he doesn't hear very well.

My manager has stopped by twice, to see if I read e-mails he sent me (I'm thinking the replies I sent to him would have sufficed, but, hey, I'm no manager). But all-in-all, a fairly light morning.

Perhaps something stupid will happen after lunch.

Whew! Part 2

My 10 o'clock meeting was with a certain manager of mine and a certain engineer who may or may not sit in my vicinity. Please keep in mind that the Killer Robot's employ is measured in years, not months. Also keep in mind that the two certain's (manager and engineer) combined employ is somewhere less than 9 months.

With that said, the 10 o'clock meeting ensued with the Killer Robot being told exactly how servers are built, only, the Killer Robot being somewhat knowledgable regarding this process, it was wrong.

Not, a little off. Not, we're disagreeing on shades of teal. I'm talking about wrong in the sense that what is believed to happen, by this certain manager, doesn't happen. And he knows it doesn't happen. And the Killer Robot even pointed out this information (side note: for what seemed like the gazillionth time).

And, at this point, the engineer turned to the Killer Robot and - placing his hand upon my knee - proceeded to tell me how I didn't understand what I was talking about, and that, in fact, he was already documenting how the servers SHOULD be built. At this point, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that this engineer has worked here 6 EFFING WEEKS!!!

The Killer Robot was not pleased. And he displayed his anger as such. He pointed out to his manager that he (the manager), in fact, did not understand what he (the manager) was talking about, and that at this point, he (the engineer) should be seen little and heard less, and in fact, should not touch the Killer Robot ever again. To say I snapped would be putting it mildly. At some point, I began to wonder about whether I'd crossed the line, but the fact that I was right and this was stupid kept egging me on.

Fortunately for the Killer Robot, both of these co-workers are very old, and have, in all likelihood, forgotten this meeting by now. More likely, they've definitely forgotten anything technical that we discussed.

My head hurts.

Whew!

Today has been a whirlwind for the Killer Robot . . . A quick recap:

Meeting @ 9 - It would be hurtful to the Killer Robot's career to recant the specific details of this (and the ensuing) meeting. However, I feel it would be irresponsible for me to not inform you, my loyal readers, of the events. The meeting @ 9 revolved around a specific task, one that must be performed in order to identify a computer on our network, one that in fact, is a unique identifier for the machine . . . Anyway, you can't imagine my exicitement in having this meeting for the seventh time to discuss how to "distinguish" one computer from another. If you're reading this, and you have some sort of IT background, I'm sorry to bore you with this material. It's just that a certain manager of mine still doesn't understand the concept of "distinguishing" a computer when it it brought on the network. And, I'm fairly sure that post meeting he still doesn't understand, as he pointed out, immediately following the meeting, that the process was exactly what he understood it to be. Perhaps an illustration is in order.

Lets say, to identify the computer you're building, you, and a group of qualified colleagues, decide to sequentially name the machines fred1, fred2, fred3, and so forth. And, for illustration purposes, let's say that this is posted in people's cubes, and circulated via e-mails, and generally understood by everyone (you think) who needs to understand it, particularly your manager, who was in attendance when "fredxx" was agreed upon. And then, to understand the Killer Robot's perspective, imagine that your manager walks up to you to ask you to look at a certain computer's configuration. And you, needing to connect to the computer in question, ask for the machine's unique identifier. And suppose your manager replies, completely seriously, "17roger."

You've now attended the meeting with me.

The Hoff needs our help . . .

The Killer Robot is secretly a huge David Hasselhoff fan. How could you not be? Every great artistic endeavor of the last 20 years has starred, you guessed it, the Hoff . . . I mean, it's hard to get much better than the young, suave Knight Rider . . . or the older, rugged lifeguard on Baywatch . . . and his albums . . . I mean, it's a very bold statement for an artist to release a Greatest Hits Album on his second album, but the Hoff is just that artist.

Anyway, I'm watching Extra tonight, and the Hoff is off the wagon, and it's breaking my heart . . . And his own daughter, little Taylor-Ann, is busy videoing him and releasing the tape . . . and it's like someone is hitting my heart in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer.

So, if you're religious, just remember the Hoff when you say your prayers tonight. He needs our help.

Finally, I'll leave you with this.

The word Hasselhoff doesn't translate from English to German.

But the word "Hoff" does. It means hope.

Wow. Hope. Wow.

Missing: 1 Boss

A certain manager of mine joined the Killer Robot for the aforementioned lunch appointment. You may find that odd - however, the Killer Robot does not like to see people be sad and lonely, and this certain manager may have had that feeling, had he not been included.

Anyway, two colleagues volunteered to drive, 4 in one, 3 in the other. The Killer Robot invited this certain manager to ride with another co-worker. Killer Robot, always taught to respect his elders, piled into the back seat. The co-worker, being a safe driver, piled into the driver's seat. We did this in plain view of this certain manager.

Somehow, this gentleman failed to see these two, rather large men (or women), now sitting in plain view behind the non tinted windows of the vehicle, with its engine RUNNING, directly in front of him. In fact, he turned, completely around, three times, during which we banged on the window while shouting his name. Finally, my coworker (and driver) managed to get his attention. As he sat down into the car, I asked, plainly and clearly, "What were you doing?"

"Looking for Killer Robot" came his reply to me, the Killer Robot. He failed to realize I was talking to him. He failed to realize I was even in the car.

I'm feeling very good about my future, controlled by someone who can get lost in a (very small) parking lot, next to a car he's ridden in many times, running, that he was told he would be riding in to lunch, with two grown men (or women) banging on the windows and screaming his name loudly, and who didn't realize, upon his entry to the car, that he was carrying on a conversation with the person he was looking for. Yes, I'm feeling very good.

Not the Cooks, too

Killer Robot is sometimes considered a creature of habit. He enjoys dining in the same restaurants with great regularity. Today, a mixed group of colleagues joined the Killer Robot at a favorite haunt. But that's not important.

The funny thing was that as I passed by the kitchen area, the cooks, in unison, shouted an expression made famous by an Al Pacino role in a late 80's movie, starring (according to the Killer Robot's wife) the adorable Chris O'Donnell.

The Killer Robot found this hilarious, and laughed out loud, thinking surely one of his colleagues had put these guys up to this. Alas, he experienced embarrassment, as, looking around, he realized no one heard it.

Could this expression only exist in my head?

True or False . . .

A certain engineer who may or may not work with the Killer Robot is, as mentioned previously, deploying a monitoring application. This application is very tricky - it uses an encoded set of colors to alert subscribers to the status of various network attached devices. The colors/alerts are red (which means something bad), yellow (or amber, which means a red may soon follow), and green (which means everythings okay).

Anyway, today we're going to learn what those colors mean.

True or False: If you are able to negotiate your car on public roadways, you may have a fantastic understanding of this monitoring tool?

Is Outlook Optional . . .

Here, where the Killer Robot works, Outlook is the Mail/Calendar/Task manager of choice. Need to follow up on something - do it through e-mail. Need to discuss something - do it through calendar. Taking a day - schedule an event. This is how it has been since the advent of Windows 95.

Anyhow, a certain engineer who works with the Killer Robot has been working dilligently for 8 weeks on deploying a proprietary system monitoring tool. As part of this deployment, a class has been created. Only, instead of scheduling the class in Outlook, like oh, you know, EVERY OTHER THING WE'VE DONE IN THE LAST 8 YEARS, he has decided to manage it via a legal pad.

There is no joke here. Just thought I should pass this along.

An Interesting Choice . . .

. . . A certain manager of mine walked into my cube @ exactly 12:56 pm. I asked him which 1 o'clock meeting he'd be attending - the Project meeting, or the Status meeting. "I thought they were the same meeting" came the (predictable) response. I can see how that could happen, what with them being scheduled by different people, in different rooms, with different subjects, and different agendas attached. But I digress. My favorite part, though, was the fact that I, the lowly, entry-level engineer, was sent to the Project meeting to discuss costing and timelines and financials, the meeting which was preceded by a stern e-mail from the Project Manager explaining that this was a high-profile, all hands on deck sort of thing, while he, the highly-compensated manager, went to the bi-weekly, recurring, status meeting where the operational staff discusses how many user acccounts were migrated and what restores have been done lately.

2 Additional . . .

. . . Touches have occured - both were late yesterday evening. One was even describe to me as a "stroke" on someone's shoulder. Just keeping you in the loop.

Touch #2

A certain engineer, who may sit near me, has been mentioned in this space before as a toucher. Well, it occurred again, just moments ago . . . A former engineer stopped by to check on the Killer Robot's wife - during this conversation, the aforementioned certain engineer walked up and gently placed his hand on the former engineer's shoulder. I got chills watching it unfold. The hand stayed in place during the ensuing coversation, one that revolved around the disposal of an e-mail printed last week.

The shocking thing is that the former engineer didn't even realize what had happened until noticing the stunned look on my face.

I believe that the touch my indicate a comfort level with this certain engineer - I'm putting a cord across my door to ensure no touches happen within my space.

How Do People - A Follow-up . . .

Here at the place where I work, we use an application for deploying software packages. This app requires a password that is not associated with Windows - it's a "proprietary" password. Anyway, to push a package, you use this pw to log in to the app, select the computers to install to, select the package to push, click the "here" link, and it asks for your "private key." This is odd, and somewhat cumbersome, but it is what it is - anyhow, the private key is the password you use to log in. Clear enough, right?

Wrong! A certain engineer, who may sit next to me, and who has built (in his/her own words) 23 servers, asked me yesterday, "what is the private key?" HE'S BUILT 23 SERVERS!!! How did you install the support software, stupid? But, wait, it gets better - he mentioned that he had just asked a certain manager of mine the same question, and he suggested putting product codes into that field! This is a product we MUST use on every server to ensure it's compliance, uptime, and functionality, yet, half of my department (note: all compensated substantially more than me) didn't know how to use it.

Cube Conversations

This is the conversation overheard in my cube yesterday:

Incompetent Manager: I'm going to call Valerie
Incompetent Engineer: Have you heard from her?
IM: No, I'm going to call her
IE: So, she's going to call you?
IM: Yes - she said she'll call me later
IE: I thought you said you were going to call her?
IM: Yes - dats what I just said
IE: Oh - I misunderstood

It's like working with Abbott and Costello

How Do People . . .

. . . Do you ever wonder how some people are able to get dressed in the morning? I have a certain manager - he's definitely much more highly compensated than I am . . . yet his incompetence knows no bounds . . . this morning, I was forced to explain to him something he does for a living . . . a process we (should, at least) follow EVERY DAY! It's one of those things that makes you wonder how he's been doing his job if he doesn't understand it . . . It's like a co-worker of yours, who drives to work every day, saying he doesn't use the steering wheel when he's driving - wait, that's brilliant - that's exactly what transpired here . . .

Anyway, I have to go see who my wife is doing . . .

Did you mean "how"?

As you may or may not know, Killer Robot's wife had surgery yesterday. It was a fairly straightforward procedure, and she is going to be okay. But I had to drop in to let you know about the question I was asked this morning. A certain manager of mine, who has less than decent grammatical skills, sent me a simple, heartfelt e-mail:

"Who is your wife doing?"

Egads!!!

Improper Signage . . .

As you may or may not know, a sign was recently placed near a printer in the Killer Robot's vicinity. This sign discouraged the use of an exclamation made famous by an Al Pacino role in the late 80's, notably in a movie co-starring (according the Killer Robot's wife) the adorable Chris O'Donnell. Anyway, it was brought to our attention this afternoon that the sign has been removed. As the Killer Robot enjoys office hi-jinks, he set off immediately to find the perpetrator of this act. Alas, the aforementioned admin assistant had removed it, at the urging of her print cartridge mentor.

The irony in all of this is the fact that the print cartridge mentor has, in the past, placed (what some would consider) inappropriate signage above the men's urinal, expositing on certain employees less than exemplerary marksmanship . . .

a Touch has Occured . . .

. . . a certain engineer, who may sit in the vicinity of the Killer Robot, has been known to be a space invader. In fact, this engineer is sometimes called "space invader" by his co-workers (unbeknownst to him, of course). Anyway, late this afternoon, another co-worker, one who works with the storage of rows and columns, was chatting as he prepared to depart for the day . . . when it happened . . . his space was invaded! The touch was a gently placed hand on his arm, resting easily on the fabric of his poplin shirt. A-HA - so it's not just me . . .

What are we working on?

I just overheard a senior manager, like you know, two levels above me, suggest revising our print cartridge recycling policy to our administrative assistant.

Seems that this guy (or girl) recently discovered that Staples offers $3 instant rebates on all printer cartridges. He (or she) decided that perhaps this aa would serve the company very well by investigating the process, one which has been in place well over six years, and that works (apparently) quite well, as I'm not prone to tripping over print cartridges on my way in in the morning.

Anyway, I'm glad he's not focusing on the strategic direction of our organization or anything.

Does it bother anyone . . . ?

When proper grammar is optional? Why is it optional? Is proper grammar a thing of the past? Have we reached the point, as a society, where "you knew what I meant" is actually accepted and, in some instances encouraged?

This morning, I was asked by a certain manager of mine: "did you every get this finished?"

For your reading pleasure, I submit my thought process regarding this question.

Upon my first perusal of the question, I was struck by the use of the word "every." "Every" changes the dynamic of the sentence. What was the interrogator trying to extract. What "every" could he be referring to? Could he have left "body" off of "everybody?" Could it have been "one" - such as "everyone." In fact, if the "every" could have something left off, perhaps something else has snuck in, like the "you" or, the "t" in this . . . Maybe the original sentence was intended to be "did everyone get his finished," as in, a group was working on a particular (male) individual's project, and a status was required. Or, maybe, the "y" jumped in randomly, as it is often wont to do . . . hiding out above the "h," like you've never tapped it inadvertantly . . . and maybe the sentence should be, "did you ever get this finished" and . . . there, that's what makes it art, is the "ever" . . . Whatever would I do with "did you get this finished?", as this leaves much more room for escaping the binary answer of "yes" or "no."

Of course - maybe I should just not worry about the typos :-)

Pop Culture

Because some of you are so out of touch with current music/movies/books/happenings, this will be a recurring thread

On the IPod:
Borne - "Loss of Signal"
Angels and Airwaves - "We Don't Need to Whisper"
Five for Fighting - "Two Lights"
Richard Buckner - "Devotion + Doubt" - particularly the song "Figure"

On TV/DVD:
Season 1 of Friday Night Lights. I can't believe these actors aren't really the people they're portraying. It's not about football. Or maybe it is about football. The same way Grey's Anatomy is about medicine, or LOST is about airplanes.

On the Nightstand:
Mavericks at Work by William Taylor. As a certain co-worker known for managing rows and tables would call it, the next "Book du jour" of management.

Why the Blog

In the Shadow of the Robot (or ITSOTR, for short) has been created to keep former office occupants abreast of current goings-on at a certain company's Lakeland IT office . . . the Blog will be updated periodically, and parts of the contents may be fictionalized/dramatized/false . . . This blog is not to be taken seriously, and any resemblance to any real-life individuals, events, or animals is completely inadvertant . . . Also, please note that the Killer Robot has never actually killed anything, and in fact, is completely inoperable.